Kids these days have too many toys.
It’s a fact.
Your kids, our kids, the kids who live next door, and the kids screaming their little heads off right in front of you in the checkout line at the toy store.
They all have way more toys than any of them actually need, and way more than they ever seem to be able to adequately pick up.
That’s why we parents are constantly finding them – not just with our eyeballs, but also with our bare feet when we’re walking down the stairs each morning (dangerous!), with our butts when we finally plop down onto the couch after suffering through another entirely-too-long bedtime routine (painful!), and with our car tires when we’re backing out of the driveway (awesome, since now we actually get to throw one of these things away!)
Given the sheer numbers of toys overwhelming us at every turn, it’s actually pretty surprising that only a couple of our kids’ toys are really, really bugging the crap out of us right now.
Wanna’ see ‘em? Read below. Wanna’ take ‘em away from our house forever? We’ll gladly pay for shipping.
The Doctor’s currently most-hated toy
Direct from the demented minds at Disney comes this creepy, macabre, and totally nonsensical severed head.
Yep, you read that right. It’s a severed Ariel head that came (as an accessory, we guess?) with an otherwise normal looking, already-adequately-headed Little Mermaid doll we bought at the theme park gift shop.
The only difference between this severed head and the one that came attached to the undersea princess’s body is that one has a crown on it and the other doesn’t. Really Disney? Instead of figuring out how to include a single head with a removable crown, you decided that encouraging kids to experiment with full-on cranium transplants was a better idea?
The Dad’s currently most-hated toy
…isn’t even a toy. It’s a mindless, pointless, and – worst of all – seemingly endless series of fairy books that our four-year-old daughter won’t stop bringing home from the library and making us read to her.
The series is called Rainbow Magic, and it’s written by someone who goes by the clearly-made-up-so-nobody-knows-who-exactly-to-blame-for-this-garbage name “Daisy Meadows.”
In case you’ve never had the pleasure of reading one of these mass-produced abominations of the English language to your own child, here’s the plot of every single one of them:
Rachel and Kirsty, schoolgirl friends who secretly hang out with fairies on a regular basis, meet some new fairy for the first time, find out that a bad guy named Jack Frost and his army of goblins have stolen some sort of mundane magical object from the fairies (like magic shoes, a magic sleeping bag or magic swim goggles), become fairies themselves, and then get that magic dishrag or whatever it was back.
Hooray. The end.
There are tons of reasons these books suck, not the least of which is that the stakes aren’t high enough for anyone to care whether or not Rachel and Kirsty succeed in their mission. Like in one book, the girls need to get a magic lollipop charm back from the goblins, or else all the lollipops in the world won’t taste very good anymore.
Life or death situations these ain’t.
What’s even worse, that same plot is repeated six more times in six more books, except with charms in the shape of cookies, chocolate, ice cream, cupcakes, cotton candy and birthday cake instead.
Just thinking about these things is making us furious. They’re the worst.
So which of your kid’s toys is totally driving you crazing these days? Feel free to vent in the comments below!